Quote-Tastic: I think I need a drink.

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“So, what the hell is going on? I can’t believe your mother let you take the car.”

I laughed as I drank and coffee came out my nose. “Well, Aunt DeDe came by last night and she wants me to keep tabs on Uncle Gordie. She thinks he is having an affair.”

My dad never cared for Aunt DeDe. He always thought she was a gold digger and not pretty enough for the attitude she carried. “I’m not surprised.”

“You’re not surprised that she wants me to watch him or that she thinks he is hooking up with someone else?”

“Either. Well actually I am surprised that it has taken her this long to catch on. He has had dozens of flings though out the years.”

“Get out of here! Really? But he’s so, I don’t know, not charming. I mean he’s nice enough but in an icky kind of way, if you know what I mean.”

“Paula, it’s the money. You’d be surprised what men can get away with if they have a little something to distract the girls from actually looking at or talking to them.”

“That is so gross.”

“I’m glad you feel that way, because if you were sleeping with Uncle Gordie, I’d have a huge problem with it.”

“Okay, that is disgusting.”

He leaned back so the waitress could position his plate on the table. “What triggered her suspicion?”

“Well, she overheard a young woman talking about her married boyfriend in a boutique and apparently it sounded exactly like an Uncle Gordie description. Then later she got home and tried to talk to him about the Charity Auction, he told her he had plans already. So she is convinced something is going on.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t toss her a diamond bracelet or offer a trip to Italy to sidetrack the conversation, that’s how he usually handles those situations.”

“You really think that would have worked?”

“Absolutely, it always did before! He must have it hot for this one; he’s usually much more on top of his game. I can’t imagine how he didn’t figure skipping the auction wouldn’t bend your aunt completely out of shape.”

“Yeah, well, that and he doesn’t give her sex anymore.”

“I’m scared to ask how you know that.”

“Mom.”

“That woman was not born with any sort of filters.”

“I know way more than I want to. But anyway, Aunt DeDe gave me ten thousand dollars cash to stalk him.”

Bacon fell right out of Ron’s mouth. “Excuse me? Did you check the bills? You sure she didn’t make them in the basement?”

“She said she made a withdrawal that afternoon and that she didn’t want to write a check because they share the account.”

“I can’t even believe your mother let her talk you into this. Was she home?”

“Yes, she had her over for dinner and they both came at me with the idea. But I know Mom wasn’t comfortable. She had so many hives I wasn’t sure if we should go to the ER.”

“So, I am assuming you accepted the offer?”

“Damn straight I did! How else am I going reclaim my previous life by working at a minimum wage job?”

“Well, I am proud of you for considering your own needs first among the craziness.”

“DeDe says she is going to take him for all he’s got if she finds out that it’s true and personally I am pretty sure she has a good case.”

“First she would have to prove it. He’s always been decent at covering his tracks. Do you really think you are going to dig up some kind of legitimate evidence against him?”

“It could happen.”

“Listen, kiddo, if there was a sale at Nordstrom’s tomorrow morning, Uncle Gordie’s supposed scandal would take a back seat, and by the time DeDe was done spending, her theory of his infidelities will be long forgotten. I’m sure of it.”

“Even if he was really up to something?”

“Well, I have seen him chase plenty of skirts, but honestly, most of his liaisons were pretty insignificant. Don’t get me wrong, I still would be upset if it was being done to me, but I’m not sure that buying pretty girls gifts for twenty seconds of satisfaction would really cause Aunt DeDe to do something so drastic.”

“I don’t know, Dad. I think this time might be different.”

“You seem very convinced.” Ron paused and glared straight at me. “What makes you so sure?”

“Because the night before Aunt DeDe came over to Mom’s, Uncle Gordie gave me seven thousand dollars to follow his mistress. He thinks she’s cheating on him.”

Ron called the waitress over. “What time do you start serving beer? I think I need a drink.”

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In this scene, Paula is meeting to have lunch with her father.  She is telling him about how both her aunt and uncle have each hired her to spy for them.   


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